Star Trek XII: Into AAARRRGGGGHHH! Part 3


Date: Monday 4th August 2014
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Warning: This post contains spoilers!

Admiral Marcus appears on the viewscreen to have a chat with Kirk. Kirk tactfully plays dumb to see what Marcus does – all Marcus seems to want is Khan. Kirk jumps the ship into warp thinking he's left Marcus behind but Marcus' ship catches up, opens fire on the Enterprise and disables the ship, leaving the Enterprise very close to Earth's moon.

The Enterprise's crew hails Marcus' ship at the request of Carol Marcus so that she can plead her father to stop firing on the Enterprise, however, she just get's transported onto Marcus' ship. Admiral Marcus then proceeds to end the Enterprise.

" Spock, on the other, hand decides to dial up 0800-CHEAT-TIME "

The heartless bastard!

But just before the guns destroy the Enterprise, they shut off and the shields drop. Guess who?? Yup, it's Scotty to the rescue, having stowed onboard when he went to look at the secret dockyard earlier in the film. Kirk teams up with Khan to get onto Marcus' ship with a little help from Scotty at the other end. Spock, on the other, hand decides to dial up 0800-CHEAT-TIME and calls up Spock Prime, who reminds him that he won't divulge anything that would upset the timeline but since the magic word (Khan) was said on the cheat tips helpline – fuck it!

The away team (Kirk, Khan and Scotty – in case you've fallen asleep by now) get onto the bridge, shots are fired and Scotty drops Khan with a stun blast as Kirk doesn't trust him. But it seems that the stun blast didn't knock Khan out. Khan kills Admiral Marcus by physically crushing his skull, and disables the away team, including Carol Marcus. Khan gets back his torpedoes with his people inside by using Kirk as a leverage and then sends Kirk and co. back to the Enterprise before opening fire again.

Spock retaliates by detonating the torpedoes that Khan beamed onto Marcus' ship. Then all power fails on the Enterprise, causing the Enterprise to mysteriously fall into the Earth.....which really makes me wonder, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE GRAVITY IN THIS TIMELINE?????

There is absolutely no way that should happen since the Enterprise was pretty much in the moon's gravity well, if anything, it'd get pulled onto the moon and not the Earth!!!

Kirk, Scotty and Chekov try to get the engines online but the warp core is misaligned, so Kirk decides to get into the radioactive warp core bit to save the ship, much to Scotty's protesting and very much like a line by line copy, we start to see a replica of the end of Star Trek II where Spock scarifies himself to save the ship, with the exception that it's now Kirk that does it. Kirk saves the Enterprise and is dying in the warp core section, Spock appears and as Kirk dies, Spock does the most awful and cringe worthy “Khan scream” in the history of Star Trek. So I'll fix that scene with this video:

The ship Khan is in screams past, and yes he was near the moon too, crashes near Starfleet headquarters and Khan gets out, unscathed. Spock gets beamed down and chases Khan, leading to them fighting – I'm sure this was one of those petty “Who would win in a fight between” scenarios that the writing team came up with and wrote the script around that....

Bones finds out that Khan's blood can regenerate dead cells, Uhura goes to stop Spock from killing Khan, Khan's blood revives Kirk. The end.

I'd write a conclusion, but since this film just can't be arsed to keep me entertained without insulting my intelligence, then I really can't be arsed either!

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